Why Most of Your Thoughts Aren’t Happy (and What to Do About It)
To The Reader: I write often…probably more than your inbox deserves. Rather than flooding your email, I let the good stuff pile up quietly on Substack. So if you can, swing by once a week and see what’s new. There’s usually something waiting that didn’t make it into your inbox, but might land right where you need it.
If you’ve ever sat on the edge of your bed arguing with yourself about something you didn’t say in 2008, you’re in good company.
You’re not dramatic.
You’re not broken.
You’re just running ancient survival software in a world full of calendar invites and push notifications.
Let’s talk about what’s really happening inside that loud, loyal, occasionally chaotic mind of yours.
Your Brain’s Default Isn’t Peace. It’s Preparation.
When you're not actively focused, your brain doesn’t rest.
It rehearses. Regrets. Rewinds. Predicts. Panics.
This is thanks to the Default Mode Network, your brain’s background task manager. It's the reason you can't fall asleep at night without remembering that time you waved back at someone who wasn't actually waving at you.
This part of the brain is meant to keep you safe.
But it doesn’t know the difference between a hungry bear and a text that says “Can we talk?”
It’s not trying to sabotage you. It just thinks it’s being helpful.
Like a very intense friend who read one article about trauma and won’t stop diagnosing you.
Science Confirms the Spiral
A Harvard study found that people spend 47 percent of their waking lives thinking about something other than what they’re doing. Nearly half your life, mentally elsewhere.
And the more your mind wanders, the less happy you feel.
Even during pleasant activities. Yes, even while petting a dog.
Yes, even while eating cake.
This means that it’s not just about what you’re doing.
It’s about whether you’re here for it.
And most of us… aren’t.
Negative Thoughts Stick. Good Ones Float Away.
That’s the negativity bias at work.
Your brain clings to the bad because it thinks remembering pain is the key to survival.
One awkward comment can cancel out a day’s worth of warmth.
One frown can undo ten smiles.
One “we need to talk” text can hijack your nervous system for hours.
Your brain isn’t trying to ruin your day.
It just thinks that if it keeps replaying the moment, it can somehow rewrite it.
It can’t.
But try telling that to your amygdala.
If You’re Neurodivergent, This Feels Familiar
For people with AuDHD (autism + ADHD), this isn’t just a pattern. It’s a lifestyle.
You don’t just remember things. You re-feel them.
You don’t just plan for tomorrow. You time-travel six months into a worst-case scenario.
Your brain is like a browser with too many tabs open.
Half are playing music. One’s frozen. And another is quietly whispering, “You’re probably disappointing someone right now.”
It’s not because you’re weak.
It’s because your brain is wired to notice.
And it forgot where the off switch is.
What You Can Do (That Doesn’t Involve a Personality Overhaul)
You don’t need to silence your thoughts.
You just need to stop letting them take over the steering wheel.
1. Name It
“This is a spiral.”
“This is pre-trauma rehearsal.”
“This is my brain’s attempt to help, and I appreciate the effort, but I’m not hiring right now.”
Even that moment of noticing gives you back some power.
2. Come Back to the Room
Feel your feet on the floor.
Notice what’s in your hands.
Look around and name five things that aren’t on fire.
Presence isn’t fancy. It’s just practiced.
3. Practice Real Gratitude
Skip the polished “I’m grateful for opportunities” list.
Try: “What didn’t fall apart today?”
Or “Who helped me survive, even a little?”
Gratitude doesn’t have to glow. Sometimes it just quietly says, “You made it.”
4. Normalize the Drift
Your mind will wander.
You’ll loop.
You’ll replay.
You’ll plan fifteen worst-case outcomes for a text that just says “Hey.”
That’s not failure.
That’s just your brain doing its part.
Your job is to return, gently and without blame.
Again. And again.
Like scooting your dog off the bed for the fifth time and still loving them.
How to Show Compassion to Someone With a Loud Inner World
If you love someone with a brain like this, you probably only see a fraction of what they’re carrying.
They might seem distant, flakey, indecisive.
What’s really happening is a kind of mental storm…a system overwhelmed by its own volume.
You might notice:
They overthink simple things
They disappear when overstimulated
They cancel plans because their “battery” died and no one can find the charger
They say “I’m fine” while blinking like a hostage
This isn’t laziness or rudeness.
It’s cognitive bandwidth burnout.
What Helps
1. Believe them.
If they say they’re tired from thinking, they are.
Their brain just ran a marathon in socks that don’t match.
2. Don’t fix. Just stay.
Try:
“Want me to sit with you while your brain slows down?”
3. Offer calm, not advice.
Try:
“Sounds like your mind’s loud. Want to do one small thing together?”
4. Silence doesn’t always mean peace.
Try:
“Are you quiet because you’re okay or because you’re overwhelmed?”
5. Assume they’re scared, not selfish.
Most spirals come from fear, not drama.
Being Seen Is Rest
You don’t need the right answer.
You don’t need the perfect response.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can say is:
“I see it’s heavy in there. I’ve got you.”
That one sentence might reach them in ways hours of explaining never could.
Try This Right Now
Put one hand over your heart.
Feel the warmth.
Let your shoulders drop.
Say quietly:
“I don’t need to fix everything today. I just need to be here.”
If your brain resists, smile gently and say:
“Thank you, Chaos Goblin. Your services are not needed right now.”
Then breathe. Let the silence hold you for a moment.
Bottom Line
Your brain was built to protect you, not soothe you.
Most thoughts aren’t happy because they’re doing the job they were trained to do.
But you?
You get to choose what you follow.
You get to return.
You get to be kind to yourself in the noise.
You don’t have to think your way into peace.
You just have to practice returning to it.
And every time you do,
you are not failing.
You are remembering.
Let’s Stay Connected
If this landed for you, leave a comment or share it with someone who gets it.
And if you want more—stories, tools, real talk for neurodivergent life—
subscribe below. It’s free, heartfelt, and made for your kind of brain.
Need support beyond the page?
Book a Power Hour with me. One session. No fluff. Just clarity.
P.S. Paid Subscribers get instant access to the Compassion Cheat Sheet:
a short, printable guide for supporting loud minds with quiet kindness.
References
Killingsworth, M. A., & Gilbert, D. T. (2010). A Wandering Mind Is an Unhappy Mind. Science, 330(6006), 932. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1192439](https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1192439
Brewer, J. A., et al. (2011). Meditation experience is associated with decreased default mode network activity. PNAS, 108(50), 20254–20259. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1112029108](https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1112029108
Baumeister, R. F., et al. (2001). Bad is stronger than good. *Review of General Psychology*, 5(4), 323–370. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.4.323](https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.4.323
Want a Little Extra Support?
If this felt familiar…like I crawled inside your brain and described the furniture; you’re not alone.
To help you (or someone you love) move through moments like these with more compassion and less confusion, I created a Compassion Cheat Sheet.
It’s short, printable, and filled with the kind of phrases and insights that soothe loud minds…not silence them.
✨ Subscriber Bonus:
Get the Compassion Cheat Sheet when you subscribe. Perfect for partners, parents, therapists, or your own overwhelmed self.
💛 Compassion Cheat Sheet
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to AuDHD in Translation to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.